Pay To Play

I don't know about you, my fellow Crook County residents, but I'm growing increasingly weary of our politicians being on a constant pilgrimage to lighten our wallets. Whether it be Big Head Todd's refusal to rollback our sales tax, or Czar Daley's plan to make city workers take unpaid days off, or the city's new proposal to tax everyone who has brown hair. OK, I made that one up but admit it, is it really out of the realm of possibility? With our elected official's vast knowledge of screwing people out of money, how have they missed that one huge untapped resource for new revenue right in front of their faces? The Chicago tourists.

Why should tourists be exempt from all of the little, and not so little inconveniences that we experience by living here? After all, they didn't have to endure the parking meter fiasco, or the 8 months of winter this year, did they? But every summer they stumble around down town with their city maps unfolded on the never ending quest for Garrett's popcorn, The Bean, the American Girl Store, deep dish pizza, and Wrigley Field. Then, after they are finished using our resources, they hop on a flight or back into their mini-vans and saunter off into the sunset. I say that the buck should stop here. If they actually want the real "Chicago Experience," I say let's give it to them! Here is what I propose:

1) Tourists must buy day passes for the city that last from 8am until midnight ($5 off if they bring an empty Coca-Cola can, of course). If they would like a weekend pass, then they must buy a twicket. Think of Chicago as Six Flags, but with cheaper food and far less in-breeders running amok.

2) Establish and institute a "resident" and "non-resident" purchasing system here. (Hey, if the system is good enough for Wisconsin fishing licenses, it's good enough for us). Charge "non-residents" more for water, taxi rides, cigarettes, alcohol--basically everything. By doing so, the tourist can truly experience what it is like when the city that you live in pulls your pants down and tells you to grab your ankles. That is the true "Chicago Experience."

I know what you're thinking, how in the world could they ever police this? Simple. Station city workers (the creation of new jobs) outside of Wrigley Field, The Rock 'N Roll Mc Donald's, The Billy Goat Tavern, Gino's East, Navy Pier, The Sears Tower, etc. Stop everyone wearing a fanny pack, or groups of people sporting brand new Cubbie paraphernalia and check them for their "non-resident," daily, or weekend passes. If they don't have the correct documents, then that is a $75 fine--BAM, new revenue! Then affix those nice bright orange tickets to their jean shorts or fanny packs for safe keeping.

Now, I certainly do not advocate the practice of "tourist profiling," oh, who am I kidding, I would fucking love it! What would you accomplish by doing all of this? You would have a ton of new revenue, the creation of new jobs, and one very pleased city dweller and blogger.

Go Ahead, Make Yourself At Home

I am just as gullible as the next blogger, but am I really supposed to believe that one can afford a lop top, Blackberry, and iPod, yet can't afford the 40 bucks a month for Internet? It got me thinking, which is never a good thing, about the dollars and more importantly--the sense of all of this. If it costs $40 a month for high-speed Internet, then it cost approximately $1.33 a day. Now, let's assume that these, oh, let's call them loiterers, have two cups of coffee at $3 apiece, shall we? And let's also assume that these individuals hang out at the coffee shop two times a week--which is extremely generous, I think. If my public grade school math is correct, that would total $48 a month. With the extra 8 bucks in their pocket, they could buy some fresh ground coffee and relax at home.

Coffee shops have become a caffeine labyrinth of sorts. They serve food, there's free WiFi, you can shop for ultra-hip music compilations (don't feel bad if you don't recognize many of the artists--I think that is the point), they have reading material, mini-gift shops, and even a bathroom. What else does a growing Chicagoan need? It is also transcending the dating world. Having coffee for a date has almost become as popular as having cocktails with someone now. Which boggles my mind as I ponder my former dating life. Do you really want to be that awake if you happen to find yourself on an awful date? I certainly didn't, which is why I drank like Dudley Moore in Arthur to ease my pain during those instances.

Coffee itself has become rather iconic in the food and beverage world. It is what the pomegranate is aspiring to be and what the chipotle pepper has almost become. In the early '90's, it pulled a "Ronald Miller" by going from totally geek to totally chic in the matter of one Pearl Jam song. Not only did coffee reinvent itself, but it re-emerged with a hefty new price tag and convinced us all that $3-$4 is a reasonable price tag for a cup of Joe. That's pretty amazing, if you ask me.

Still, can I really blame these people for loitering all day in coffee shops in light of all this? After all, how in the world would they ever be able to impress us with how many electronic devices they own, if I did?

The Hypocrisy Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree

You have to love the hypocrisy of our fair city, don't you? It could overflow the Grand Canyon 10 times over--figuratively speaking, of course. Apparently, Crook County Board President Todd Stroger is awfully upset that the Burr Oak Grave Robbing Investigation is "costing the taxpayers big time." So, according to Big Head Todd, getting justice for the families who were scammed by these pieces of human garbage falls just below the importance of having palm trees in the city of Chicago? That's right my faithful (or fateful--the jury is still out on that one) readers, in case you've missed them, we now have palm trees in our city! A few weeks back, as I was driving past Oak Street beach on Lake Shore Drive, I thought to myself--"Wow, this is exactly like being in the Caribbean...except totally different because it is 59 and raining." Hey, it was July 1st, what did I expect?

Funny, I didn't hear any complaints by Big Head Todd or Czar Daley when they cut the check for these lovely palm trees adorning our city's lakefront, did you? It gets better. Care to take a guess of how much it takes to rent these beauties? You read correctly--rent. According to http://www.chicagobusiness.com/, it costs between $450-$1000 apiece to lease these bad boys for 5 months, not to mention the labor it must have cost the city to plant them. After all, it takes five city workers to fill one pot hole here. How many do you think it takes to plant one palm tree? It gets even better. Have you driven past Oak Street beach lately and seen the palm trees? Some of the tree's once vibrant green palm leaves have now been replaced by brown wilted ones. Shocking.

To my astonishment, when I did a little research on palm trees, also known as Arecaceae, I discovered that they thrive in tropical, sub-tropical, and warm temperature climates. Who would have figured that they wouldn't be as successful in the oh, so tropical Midwest? It gives me great solace in the fact that Big Head Todd is looking out for my financial well being, how about you? By the way Todd, have you paid those back taxes yet?

Hit & Get: The Reader

Is this behavior a sign of pretentiousness, or just an utter opposition to basic human interaction? What ever the reason, it's just beyond my comprehension. Especially considering all of the fantastic people watching opportunities that would be missed if I were nose deep into The Great Gatsby instead of other people's business! In my humble (if not clearly jaded) opinion, the only two appropriate books allowed into a bar are 1.) A Bartender's Guide to Creating Great Cocktails, or 2.) 10 Easy Ways to Enjoy Yourself at a Bar Without Reading a Book.

K-Dogg would refer to this as a classic case of "Hey, look what I'm reading." This term was spawned by him last Friday when we caught a guy reading a book during the movie previews before the start of The Hangover. (I thought "jackass" was sufficient, but he has a better grasp of the English language than I do.) If you think that is the strangest example of IRS (Inappropriate Reading Syndrome) ever recorded, you'd be sorely mistaken. I actually saw a speed walker in Winnemac Park engaging in IRS a few weeks ago. In all honesty, it was virtually impossible not to notice him as he almost walked right into me and my dog while he was reading his, obviously, engrossing book.

Sadly, this is not a new phenomenon either. A few years back while doing our version of a two-man pub crawl through Lincoln Square, K-Dogg and I were greeted by a bouncer at The Huettenbar who was reading Kurt Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse-Five. You know, just a little "light reading" while the packed bar sang along with the jukebox playing "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey. But hey, if you can't kick back and relax with a good book while surrounded by 50 drunken assholes screwing up the lyrics to an 80's classic, then when can you?

Say Hello to My Little Friend

Thankfully, I had a bottle of this little orange scented miracle worker hiding underneath my sink! Now, I only wasted 45 minutes of my Sunday afternoon getting my old city sticker off of my windshield, instead of wasting my entire afternoon doing so. Not that I don't enjoy having nasty gobs of glue underneath my fingernails and all over my hands. However, having my car smell like a drunk hooker who was eating a dreamsicle in my passenger seat is where I draw the line! Seriously, this is the best option that the city can come up with? Slathering on Goo Gone and scraping off the glue residue with a razor blade and my fingernails? Did I really pay $75 bucks for this aggravation? Then it hit me--yes, I actually did.

National Holiday, huh? F*** You, Pay Me!

I was just going to be content this week with blogging about lighter topics as we head into a nice long 4th of July weekend. And then it hit me--I'm not a "puppy dogs and ice cream" blogger! Actually, truth be told, I was planning on giving my blood pressure a well deserved hiatus, and then I happened on this article entitled Don't Forget To Feed Meters on Holiday: http://www.suntimes.com/news/metro/1650846,CST-NWS-closed03.article


Gee, thanks Mayor (Czar) Daley! Would it kill the city to give us a break on paying the meters, you know, on a national fucking holiday? Quick story about meters. Yesterday, I finally went to see The Hangover with my wife, K-Dogg, and our friend, Holiday (3 star movie, BTW). So I park my car in a metered lot but then noticed, as I was paying, that it had a 2 hour maximum. Now, I realize, I'm in a sticky situation. I'm 20 minutes early for the show and if I run over my time by say 7 seconds, I'm not only going to pay for over priced popcorn, but now I'll be on the hook for an extra $75 parking ticket. This is all happening, of course, because I wanted to actually enjoy my day off in the city! Greatest city in the world! So, I did the next logical thing (according to Czar Daley that is), I drove around the neighborhood to look for on the street parking. I found one, amazingly, in less than 3 hours and I was finally off to join my wife and friends at the movie theater. Convenience personified. I've said it before, and I'm sure that I'll say it again--God, I love this city!

Wok's The Matter With Me?

I thought that I would take a few moments out of my busy schedule of mourning the death of Michael Jackson, watching newscasts about his death, or reading articles about his death, and write about a few random thoughts that I have had lately (and yes, my tongue was firmly placed inside of my cheek as I wrote that sentence).

If you're like me, and God help you if you are, you find humor in just about everything that this insane world has to offer. For me, I usually find it in the local news outlets. For instance, I came across this story in the local news section of the Yahoo! website yesterday:
http://abclocal.go.com/wls/story?section=news/state&id=6891106&rss=rss-wls-article-6891106

The article explains that in Loves Park, IL there has been a ban on all ice cream trucks for decades and the city is considering lifting the ban. The reason for the ban on the ice cream trucks you may ask? Out of concern that children would run into the streets when they heard that familiar music and may be hit by the ice cream man. (comedic pause) What is the top speed of one those trucks anyway? 11 mph? Is the ice cream man really known for driving recklessly through neighborhoods? Now, obviously I do not find humor in the idea of children being run over by the ice cream man, but this ban seems a little excessive, doesn't it?

Another story that I found humorous was this story about the minimum wage increase:
http://www.wgntv.com/news/wgntv-minimum-wage-increase-june30,0,5026993.story
I really don't know what I find more amusing though; the fact that the state thinks that an extra quarter an hour is somehow life changing, or that the title of the article reads: Minimum Wage Increase Coming For Illinois Wokers (instead of Workers). Of course, being the literal idiot that I am, I immediately became excited for the chefs that prepare my Chinese take-out, because now they can almost afford to park down town for two hours with their pay increase.

Lastly, back in the day when I wore jean shorts and tied flannels around my waist (last month), Beavis and Butthead would have me in tears on a nightly basis. So image my delight when the gods sent the NBC 5 News crew into my life and blessed me with news anchors: Dick Johnson, Pete Sack, and Ellie Pai Hong. (side note: I'm giggling right now.)

Every night I'm in adolescent utopia at the very thought that at any given moment I have the chance to hear no less than 5 slang words for male and female genitalia in one broadcast--it's almost sensory overload! Now throw Ginger Zee's name into the mix and you have four rock solid (pun definitely intended) porn star names! Come on, can't you imagine the movie marquee? "Now starring in Orifice Space, Ellie Pai Hong and Pete Sack!" or "Dick Johnson and Ginger Zee go wild in Saturday Night Beaver!" BTW, if you enjoyed those movie titles, and I know that you did, then you'll love this website: http://www.funnytitles.com/

Yes, I'm fully aware that I am going straight to hell with a straight jacket on, but this crap still makes me laugh. Here's to hoping that the devil has a sense of humor. Happy 4th of July!