This topic is fueled by my complete and utter displeasure with Mother Nature--the bitch. And since Mother Nature is not an actual living, breathing, c. u. next Tuesday of a human being, I can't really call her up and complain, now can I? So, I'm going to do the next best thing. I have chosen to take out my rage on others to make myself feel better--it's the Chicago way!
During my travels through the raindrops this spring, I have noticed more than a few activities of some individuals who should either have their heads examined, or be hit on top of the head repeatedly with a tack hammer (Of course, I would prefer it to be the latter). So, without further ado, here are my early nominees for The Douche Bag of the Year Award.
5.) Bikers
Yes, I'm referring to those wonderful people sporting the "I'm actually a writer when I'm not riding this bike" beard, carrying a canvas man bag, and have their right pant leg rolled up. I'm not asking too much from you here, am I? Just follow the rules of the road--period. If there's a four way stop--stop, until it's your turn to go and then proceed. If there's a red light-- just stop. This is for your own well-being. In the eternal battle of Mountain Bike vs. SUV, I'm pretty sure that the 4,000 lbs. car will beat you and your copy of The Collected Works of John Updike to the collective pavement.
My suggested punishment: Bikers should have to ride their bikes without a seat for a week for each offense, or be forced to throw away their herringbone blazer with the leather elbow pads.
4.) Parents who bring baby strollers to street festivals
Seriously, why? As you leer at me in disgust for getting in your way as I attempt to make my way through the crowd with two 32 oz. lagers and a pretzel, just remember, you did not have to bring a baby, or their stroller here! News flash, this is a street festival, there might be a few hundred people that show up to drink beer and walk around. Pan the crowd, how many other people do you see walking around with a stroller? The answer--about 10%--who is the dope here?
My suggested punishment: I have a soft spot for new parents, so no shopping at The Baby Gap for two weeks for each offense, or buy everyone at the street festival a beer.
3.) People who don't use their turn signal
There you are--on your way home from work. You pull up to a red light thinking about what to have for dinner while listening to your favorite song on the radio. As the light turns green, the car in front of you slowly creeps out into traffic and then inexplicably fucks you over as they, now, finally decide to put their left turn signal on. You're stuck, cars are zooming past you on your right side, as they take great pleasure in not letting you cut over and pass the jackass in front of you. These are the times that I wish that I had a machine gun fashioned to the hood of my car (like the 80's video game Spyhunter) for such occasions.
My suggested punishment: The offender may not make a left turn in the city for a month, or they must watch anything written by, or presented by Tyler Perry for 24 hours straight (although the latter may be a bit too cruel).
2.) The Bluetooth Guy/The Speakerphone Guy
This is simple. We (as in everyone but you) don't care how important that you think your conversation is, we simply do not care. Real Estate sales are deader than Taylor Hicks' career. Sales, in general, are down across the industries. Investment Bankers are grabbing their ankles and smiling like a doughnut, and I don't see a legal pad, or stethoscope on your person. This would logically mean that you are an average schmo, just like the rest of us. So just let us eat, get our cup of coffee, and take a piss in peace, we beg of you!
My suggested punishment: Each offender must use a Zack Morris-esque, old style cell phone for three weeks for each offense, or must take a pill that, literally, turns their teeth blue for two weeks.
1.) People who take up two parking spaces with their car
As an outside salesman, I probably experience this lack of human decency no less than 5 times a day. Is it really that difficult to park your vehicle between two yellow lines, or to double check that you are indeed between the two yellow lines before you leave your car? This a classless and ignorant thing to do to your fellow Chicagoans and should not be tolerated. K-Dogg and I have left curt notes on the windshields of these people in the past. I highly suggest that everyone do so, as well. It is liberating and a somewhat therapeutic thing to do for yourself, but it also calls out the rude behavior to the offender.
My suggested punishment: The city and parking garages should devise a system to mark these vehicles and charge them double the parking rate (seems like a process that the city would take great pleasure in). After all, they are taking up two spaces. Or, the offenders should have their eyelids stapled to their foreheads while they're forced to watch a triple feature comprised of: Rhinestone, Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo, and Soul Man. Hey, the punishment should fit the crime!
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