The Waste of Chicago

To steal a phrase from a good friend of mine, oh let's call her KTOB, "I'd rather get shot in the face with a shit pistol" than go to The Taste of Chicago for five minutes! How do I loathe thee? Let me count the ways....

The Weather
Is it just me (don't answer that) but how does this shit show's arrival always seem to coincide with the hottest and haziest day that this city can squeeze from its bowels? Even in a year such as this one where we have somehow managed to trade climates with Seattle, we are still expected to exceed 90 degree temps with plenty of humidity this weekend. Also, factor in the heat generated from the ovens and grills used to prepare the food at The Waste, and it feels as if you are trapped inside of Satan's armpit. Now, doesn't that give you the hankering for a whole turkey leg?

The People
Sure, the sheer number of sweaty and rude people who pack The Waste every year are enough to make Betty White use the "C" word, but the quality of these people is my main concern. Here are some of my past favorites:

-The "tank top tucked into jeans" guy: He usually has a 'stache or mullet or both, his tank top reads "Free Mustache Rides," and uses a red bandanna to wipe sweat from his brow and back. He's the guy trying to eat his BBQ ribs while cruising the fest for all of the high school chicks.

-The "over-served shirtless" guy: He's the one sitting on the curb next to his stack of empty beer cups. He's sun burned, has his back pack on, and is trying to eat a piece of Lou Malnati's pizza, but his flimsy plastic fork keeps breaking. BTW, he rode his Trek bike there, but can't remember where he left it.

-The "fanny pack and pleated shorts" woman: She is sporting a a feathered she-mullet, a blue Kerry Wood t-shirt, walking around pushing a stroller with one hand, eating an ear of corn with the other hand and is asking "How far are we from Wrigley Field?"

-The "Chicago Bear or Cub or Sox jersey and jean shorts" guy: He's "fanny pack's" boyfriend, or common law husband and is in charge of her two other small children under the age of 4. He's wearing brown "mandals" or white sneakers and socks, Oakley sunglasses, and is walking around eating a combo from Buona Beef.

(Side note: Don't expect an "excuse me" from any of these lovely people as they bump into you throughout the day.)

The irony of this whole thing is that even though The Waste takes place in the city, most Chicagoans avoid it like a Cuba Gooding, Jr. movie. Sure, a great number of city dwellers who work down town stop by on their lunch breaks, but I cannot even recall an instance where any of my city friends has suggested that we go there for the day. And I have lived here for 9 years now.

The Food
Oh make no mistake, Chicago has outstanding food and restaurants. So why not just go to your favorite Chicago restaurant and have a more enjoyable experience? Unless, of course, you are one of those rare individuals that prefer standing and sweating while you dine. Just crunch the numbers and consider these three factors:

-It's cheaper to valet your car than park it in a parking garage.

-You can actually sit and enjoy your food at a table with utensils.

-No one is sweating into your food, and you are not sweating while you eat.

After all, in these hard economic times, one has to consider all of their options carefully. Although, if you are one to wear fanny packs, or tank tops tucked into jeans out in public, The Waste just might be your cup of luke warm beer. Enjoy!

And the D.B. goes to......

This topic is fueled by my complete and utter displeasure with Mother Nature--the bitch. And since Mother Nature is not an actual living, breathing, c. u. next Tuesday of a human being, I can't really call her up and complain, now can I? So, I'm going to do the next best thing. I have chosen to take out my rage on others to make myself feel better--it's the Chicago way!

During my travels through the raindrops this spring, I have noticed more than a few activities of some individuals who should either have their heads examined, or be hit on top of the head repeatedly with a tack hammer (Of course, I would prefer it to be the latter). So, without further ado, here are my early nominees for The Douche Bag of the Year Award.

5.) Bikers

Yes, I'm referring to those wonderful people sporting the "I'm actually a writer when I'm not riding this bike" beard, carrying a canvas man bag, and have their right pant leg rolled up. I'm not asking too much from you here, am I? Just follow the rules of the road--period. If there's a four way stop--stop, until it's your turn to go and then proceed. If there's a red light-- just stop. This is for your own well-being. In the eternal battle of Mountain Bike vs. SUV, I'm pretty sure that the 4,000 lbs. car will beat you and your copy of The Collected Works of John Updike to the collective pavement.

My suggested punishment: Bikers should have to ride their bikes without a seat for a week for each offense, or be forced to throw away their herringbone blazer with the leather elbow pads.

4.) Parents who bring baby strollers to street festivals

Seriously, why? As you leer at me in disgust for getting in your way as I attempt to make my way through the crowd with two 32 oz. lagers and a pretzel, just remember, you did not have to bring a baby, or their stroller here! News flash, this is a street festival, there might be a few hundred people that show up to drink beer and walk around. Pan the crowd, how many other people do you see walking around with a stroller? The answer--about 10%--who is the dope here?

My suggested punishment: I have a soft spot for new parents, so no shopping at The Baby Gap for two weeks for each offense, or buy everyone at the street festival a beer.

3.) People who don't use their turn signal

There you are--on your way home from work. You pull up to a red light thinking about what to have for dinner while listening to your favorite song on the radio. As the light turns green, the car in front of you slowly creeps out into traffic and then inexplicably fucks you over as they, now, finally decide to put their left turn signal on. You're stuck, cars are zooming past you on your right side, as they take great pleasure in not letting you cut over and pass the jackass in front of you. These are the times that I wish that I had a machine gun fashioned to the hood of my car (like the 80's video game Spyhunter) for such occasions.

My suggested punishment: The offender may not make a left turn in the city for a month, or they must watch anything written by, or presented by Tyler Perry for 24 hours straight (although the latter may be a bit too cruel).

2.) The Bluetooth Guy/The Speakerphone Guy

This is simple. We (as in everyone but you) don't care how important that you think your conversation is, we simply do not care. Real Estate sales are deader than Taylor Hicks' career. Sales, in general, are down across the industries. Investment Bankers are grabbing their ankles and smiling like a doughnut, and I don't see a legal pad, or stethoscope on your person. This would logically mean that you are an average schmo, just like the rest of us. So just let us eat, get our cup of coffee, and take a piss in peace, we beg of you!

My suggested punishment: Each offender must use a Zack Morris-esque, old style cell phone for three weeks for each offense, or must take a pill that, literally, turns their teeth blue for two weeks.

1.) People who take up two parking spaces with their car

As an outside salesman, I probably experience this lack of human decency no less than 5 times a day. Is it really that difficult to park your vehicle between two yellow lines, or to double check that you are indeed between the two yellow lines before you leave your car? This a classless and ignorant thing to do to your fellow Chicagoans and should not be tolerated. K-Dogg and I have left curt notes on the windshields of these people in the past. I highly suggest that everyone do so, as well. It is liberating and a somewhat therapeutic thing to do for yourself, but it also calls out the rude behavior to the offender.

My suggested punishment: The city and parking garages should devise a system to mark these vehicles and charge them double the parking rate (seems like a process that the city would take great pleasure in). After all, they are taking up two spaces. Or, the offenders should have their eyelids stapled to their foreheads while they're forced to watch a triple feature comprised of: Rhinestone, Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo, and Soul Man. Hey, the punishment should fit the crime!

Rain, Rain Go Away......

...please stop fucking up my day!!! Anybody else sick and tired of looking up into the Chicago sky and seeing this? (I'm raising my hand) Seriously, we are going on 8 months of awful weather here in the "greatest city in the world!" Have I been mistaken all of my life, but doesn't the old saying go "April showers bring May flowers" not "April, May, and June showers bring July flowers?" Just wondering.

The F Word

Fail. One word. Four letters. Yet, it speaks volumes about Chicago's parking meter situation doesn't it?

Men Not at Work

Anyone else notice that every other block in the city looks like this? Seriously, what's going on here? The above pics were taken yesterday in three different areas in the city that have been "under repair" for 2+ weeks. Kudos to the city for wanting to repair our streets. However, part of the repairing process would be to actually complete a job once in awhile, or better yet at least have a worker or two pretend that they are going to work on it.