The Maiden Voyage

Greetings my fellow Chicagoans, and welcome to my first blog. This blog is dedicated to my beautiful, and saintly wife who suggested that I take "my anger and rage to the web, where it truly belongs." Truthfully, I think that she just wanted me to shut my pie hole for 10 minutes so she could read her US Weekly in peace.



So why am I so angry? Actually, none of my friends would probably refer to me as "angry," except for my best friend, and he doesn't know shit anyway. Just kidding K-Dawg. Actually, I'm quite jolly--synonymous for being a "happy fat guy." So how, you may ask, can you be so angry when you live in "one of the greatest cities in the world?" Well, since you posed the question, allow me to answer.



Chicago is a fantastic city--if you are just visiting, that is. Living in this city, however, is quite the contrary. Where 'O where do I begin? Let's begin with a small issue that plagues my life daily--Chicago weather. It sucks, period. You can argue all you want with me on this point, but it just plain sucks. It is either cold, or it's hot. It's winter and then one day it's summer. We have flash floods, high winds, rain, hail, sleet, and snow, and that was just last Saturday afternoon! Now, I know what you're thinking--"Stop bitching, this is the Midwest. Just move." Totally solid point. However, our condo is less than 2 years old, the economy is, well the economy, and the housing market is in the tank. I'd rather bitch than "take it in the moon" on our place.

So why is it so frickin' expensive to live here? I mean it's not like we live in California or Arizona and can actually enjoy the outdoors! There is the lake that we get to enjoy for maybe 6 or 7 weekends a year tops because of poor weather conditions, or closed beaches due to bacteria the other 45 weekends. You clearly have to hold your breath when you dare plan an outdoor activity in Chicago, don't you? Anyone planning on going to The Cell for the White Sox opener tomorrow? Enough said. How many times have you thought to yourself fellow Chicagoan, "Gee, I'd love to do this or do that, but it's just too damn hot, or too damn cold outside?" We pay through the nose for taxes, gas, parking (I'll save that rant for the near future), cigarettes, alcohol--you name it, we overpay for it. And why? Because we live in Chicago--"one of the greatest cities in the world."

And while I'm ranting, can I address another weather related topic? Thank you. I have a big problem with weathermen/weatherwomen, hell anyone who "forecasts" the weather for a living. I guess that I should clarify myself before Jerry Taft, or Amy Freeze file restraining orders against me. I have a problem with the ambiguity of weather forecasts. It's partly this, there's a chance of that--just say it--you haven't a clue! Quick story. Last weekend, my wife (who will remain nameless as to not embarrass her) Allison and I went to breakfast at Over Easy on Damen in that lovely Sunday slushy mess, and who should walk in the restaurant behind us? None other than Tom Skilling. Since I am a mature adult, I refrained from pushing his face into his plate of red potato hash browns. Actually, I'm lying about the maturity thing. My wife threatened to divorce me if I even made eye contact with him, so I let him be.

In reality, I only have one non-violent question for Tom, or Jerry, or Amy; why, with all of that fancy, expensive equipment and radar can't you be more accurate with your weather predictions? Truth be told, I know the answer is because it is impossible to predict what old fickle Mother Nature has in store for us day by day. Fair enough, then why for all that is sacred and holy in this world do they give us a 5 day forecast? Shouldn't they give us a 5 hour forecast instead? I would love it if when I turned on the 10 o'clock news one night and one of them said--"Boy, I was really off on that one, sorry about that!" But no, it's blamed on the industry standard "lake effect," or my personal favorite when it rains unexpectedly, "Well, we needed the rain!" (insert smiling weatherman here) Do you need rain? I certainly don't. Farmers need rain. Seen any farms on the north side of the city lately? I didn't think so.

I think that's enough ranting for one day. My wife is done reading her Us Weekly and we are planning to go outside and....well, stay inside and watch TV. God, I love this city!