The Golden Rule

Hello my fellow Chicagoans and welcome to another edition of "my psychosis and me"--hey, it's cheaper than therapy and I don't need a prescription for it. My quest is simple. I'm simply out to prove that Chicago, while a very fun and exciting place, is not the greatest city to live in. And in my never ending mission to prove this hypothesis, I came up with another reason why Chicago is an overrated place to live-- the impolite douche bags who reside here.

We have all heard the term "The Golden Rule" from our parents, grandparents, teachers, and clergy, "Treat others how you'd like to be treated," right? Well if that's a true statement, then we have a lot of masochists living amongst us these days. Being in sales, I subscribe wholeheartedly to a principle that's known as the "80/20 Rule." The principle simply states that 80% of your total sales is generated by the top 20% of your clients. Therefore, I have deduced that 80% of Chicago's rudeness is produced by the top 20% of its douche bags. What qualifies someone as a douche bag in my eyes? I thought you'd never ask! Here are some of my personal favorites.

Let's start with the obvious ones. How about people who blatantly litter? My wife and I live on the north side and every morning while walking our dog we are treated to trash covered sidewalks on our busy street. And I'm not talking about cigarette butts, or gum wrappers either. I'm talking about half eaten chili dogs and chicken legs, half full Big Gulp cups, broken beer bottles, unbroken Wild Irish Rose bottles, and my personal favorite--a half devoured order of chicken fried rice complete with fork and white container. The city goes out of its way to provide garbage cans and dumpsters (I criticize, but I also give credit when it's due) on many street corners--USE THEM! Is it really that hard to carry your finished chicken leg to a receptacle on the next block people?

How about people who constantly honk their horns? This is not aimed at people who use the horn properly. This is clearly aimed at the jackasses who lay on their horns for longer than 5 seconds. We get it, you're angry that the car in front of you didn't realize that the light turned green fast enough for your liking, but after 5 seconds--let it go, man. The car horn is a communication device installed on your car to warn others of your presence, or to give a "heads-up" to a fellow driver. It is NOT installed so that you can enter into car honking "pissing contests" with the guy in front of you! The commute is long enough, please stop making it anymore annoying than it has to be.

While we are on the topic of vehicular rudeness, can we discuss the "non-waving" community of drivers out there? Hey douche bag, I made an effort to make your commute easier and slightly less annoying--how about a courtesy wave, huh? I don't need a smile or an inaudible mimed thank you with a raised open palm (the highest form of automobile courtesy in my opinion), I just want the slightest bit of common courtesy! I realize that you are in a mad rush to order your grande, non-fat, no whip, mocha served at 120 degrees, and that your time is way more valuable than mine, but everyone has time to hold up their non-driving hand for 1.5 seconds to recognize a small kindness. I know from daily experience that if I start my day off with a friendly waver, I am definitely more likely to continue helping out my fellow Chicagoan the rest of the day. Conversely, if I start my day off with a non-waver, you'd better have either a 20 spot, or a piece of Malnati's pizza (equivalents in my world) for me, or you're not getting in.

I could go on for days on this topic, but mercifully I will finish with one of my least favorite people in the city--the "I'm going to walk as slow as humanly possible through this crosswalk just so you can't turn your vehicle in time to catch that light" people. What exactly is the purpose of this exercise (pun intended) anyway? I swear it's on purpose. Hell, I know it's on purpose (more on that very soon). A lot of you already have running shoes on, so why not pick up the pace to say the pace of a sloth with a bad ankle?

Not to fear my dear reader, I have cracked the case on this one--today as a matter of fact. I found myself walking slower and slower through downtown crosswalks when cars wanted to turn. Why you ask? To get even with people that do the exact same thing to me every day--how sick and twisted is that? Which is precisely why I'm going to stop doing it immediately and stop perpetuating this idiotic behavior. You see my friends (cue "America The Beautiful" by Ray Charles), I truly believe that being less and less of a douche bag myself can make a difference in this city. And since I'm stuck with my condo for the foreseeable future, I want to do my small part in helping this once great city of ours in it's desperate time of need--so I can sell it for all it's worth and make a fast getaway to the 'burbs!