Key West, Here We Come!!!

As I pack for my Key West vacation, which was a Mexico vacation until this week's mass hysteria, I wanted to leave my faithful three readers with a few parting thoughts before I leave. As you are all gathering animals two by two next week in the city, I want you to thank your lucky stars that we have such brilliant weathermen here to issue a "Flood Advisory" yesterday for the Chicagoland area. Apparently, this is for those of you who are blind, don't have any windows, or haven't been outside in the last 6 days. Who would've have thought that 6 straight days of rain would cause a lot of standing water?

Also, isn't it amazing how every newspaper, every news broadcast, every radio station, hell even the bums begging for change at Dunkin' Donuts are constantly cramming the paranoia of the Swine Flu down our throats, and then urging the public not to panic? I don't know about my wife, but I'm sporting a bio-hazard suit and sandals for our flight to FL tomorrow. Now I'm just praying that nobody sneezes on the runway at O'Hare causing us to be delayed. By the way, according to http://www.cdc.gov/, approximately 36,000 people die each year from influenza. The Swine Flu has had a reported 257 cases worldwide with a total of 8 deaths, or roughly half the number of shootings that will occur this weekend on the southside. Might we be slightly overreacting a little bit?

An Inconvenient Truth

We've all been through it before with Ticketmaster. When you'd pick-up concert or sporting event tickets at a local Ticketmaster location and they would charge you the dreaded "convenience charge." To be completely honest, I have never had a big problem with this concept because it was, after all, convenient to go to my local Ticketmaster location and buy whatever ticket that I wanted instead of going through a scalper, or the pain of going to the actual venue. It truly was convenient.

When I'm hard up for alcohol, or a frozen pizza, or a Slurpee--what's more convenient than going to a Convenience Store? Sure their prices are 20-30% more expensive than going to Jewel or Dominick's and English is not the primary language spoken there, but damn it it's convenient. You see, I don't mind paying a little bit more for something when it makes my life a little bit easier--it's supposed to be a reciprocal relationship, isn't it? So with that concept in mind, I have a question for my loyal three readers; if we are paying premium prices to live in Chicago, why is it so inconvenient to live here? Shouldn't the suburbs be more expensive to live in since it is definitely more convenient to live out there?

In the city, we pay more for real estate, gasoline, cable TV, cigarettes, alcohol, groceries, parking--all staples for the most part. We have to endure the horrible traffic, over priced parking garages and meters, bogus parking tickets, 10.25 % sales tax, potholes that will never be fixed, and highways that are always under construction! If you raise a family here would you be comfortable sending your children through the Chicago Public School system? After all, we pay taxes for these schools don't we? Sure, if you'd like to fast track your kids to an early grave, or a nice bright orange prison jumpsuit. So this means you'd be sending your children to private schools and having to pay a somewhat different kind of convenience charge for grade school, junior high, and high school even though you pay taxes for public schools that you can't use.

So let me get this straight; you pay more for a condo and property taxes for a condo that you can't sell, you drive a car that you can't park, or actually drive because of the awful traffic, you also drive a car that can be destroyed by a pothole even though you pay taxes for somebody to repair the potholes even though nobody repairs them--same goes for the highways--we have wonderful stores to shop at, but you can't shop here because the sales tax is ridiculously high, same goes for liquor and cigarettes. You do all of this just so you can get married, have children, and move away from the city because you can't send them to the Chicago Public School system because it's horrible and dangerous--even though you have been paying taxes for said schools that you will never be able to use anyway. Sound accurate?

What is so convenient about any of these inconveniences for a city dweller? Just so I can have the luxury of cool bars, better restaurants (a debatable topic) and live closer to where I work? This doesn't seem like a fair trade to me. I thought that this was a reciprocal relationship, right Mr. Mayor? Mr. Stroger? Govorner Quinn? Can anybody give me answer? Nobody is talking, huh? How convenient.

Hit & Get: Another Life Lesson Learned

While driving to Target today to drop my customary $100 on nothing that I really needed, I had to swerve my car abruptly around a gentlemen standing in the middle of the street impatiently looking for his bus. Now, I have never professed to be a genius (for obvious reasons), but does that really work? Does standing in the middle of a very busy street make the bus drivers pick you up quicker? Maybe it's just me, but I was under the impression that it is a bad thing to get run over by an SUV going 45 mph. Naively, I always thought that being a few minutes late was a much better alternative than death, but obviously, I was mistaken. Thanks Chicago, for teaching me another valuable life lesson!

Hit & Get: I have a "random" question.

As I was browsing through my wife's CD collection the other day, I found one that had "Random Mix" written on it. Now maybe it's because I have an English degree and I'm being too literal, or perhaps it's my psychosis flaring up again (probably the latter), but somehow Americans have managed to change the meaning of a word simply by misusing it constantly. That is pretty impressive, if you ask me.

We have all said or heard someone say it, "I went home with some random guy/girl last night that I met at a bar." So are we supposed to believe that this person covered their eyes and arbitrarily picked someone from a crowded bar to go home with? Sort of like a "Pin the Tail on the Hook-up," perhaps? Now that would be a great drinking game! When someone posts pictures on Facebook under the title, "Random Pics," are these pictures that were snapped indiscriminately of odd people and places? From my experience, no. In fact, these pictures have posed people smiling for the camera like they knew their picture was about to be taken.

So when and how did America begin using the word random incorrectly in sentences? Webster's dictionary defines the word random as: occurring without definite aim, reason, or pattern. Synonyms include: chance, haphazard, and indiscriminate. If that's an accurate definition, then why do so many people use random as a synonym for weird, strange, or odd? Just a random question.

Finger Lickin' Good...Potholes?

As my wife and I drove to Easter "linner" yesterday (that's a hybrid of lunch & dinner b/c my parents refuse to eat dinner at a normal time), we engaged in a little game that I like to call "Dodge the Pothole and Live to Tell About It." This is a progressive game that can be enjoyed all year long simply by replacing the word "pothole" with different city obstacles such as, bikers, cabs, buses, pedestrians, etc. Nevertheless, it reminded me of a story that I read about a few weeks back and wanted to address.

Apparently, Kentucky Fried Chicken has given me yet another reason to love them. No, it has nothing to do with the introduction of their new Mashed Potato Bowl, but a far more concrete reason, or asphalt to be exact. A few weeks ago, the brass over at KFC headquarters came up with an interesting proposition for our fair city. They want to fill all of Chicago's treacherous potholes for free. Yes, you read me correctly--they want to fix all of our potholes for FREE. The only thing that KFC asks in return is to leave a stenciled KFC logo on the repaired pothole. Sounds like a fair trade to me.

After hearing this amazingly generous offer, Mayor Daley's response? "If they give us $25 million or $30 million, we'd be glad to look at it. I want the money up front. I'll take $50 million, if you give me $50 million." So let me get this straight. Someone wants to come to our city and fix one of the biggest problems that face city drivers these days--for free, and you want to charge them millions of dollars to come here and make our huge problem disappear. That sounds like perfect Chicago logic, doesn't it? And I'm sure that $50 million would go straight to bettering the school system in Chicago, and not into envelopes passed underneath dinner tables at Gibson's and Gene and Georgetti's!

Chicago Department of Transportation Commissioner Tom Byrne's reaction to KFC's unbelievable offer? Well, he's worried about the "quality of asphalt KFC intends to use" and has concerns about "KFC's plan to paint ads on the repaired potholes." I hate to point out the obvious here, but we have a pothole problem in Chicago every year Tom, why not check the quality of asphalt that the city has been using? Also, have you checked out the side of a CTA bus lately? The Real Housewives of NYC is on Tuesdays at 10pm. How do I know this? Because I read it on the side of one of your buses! Could it be that you don't want KFC coming into Chicago and showing the public that 6 city workers are not needed to fill one pothole? Again, this makes perfect Chicago sense!

Obviously the city has our pothole problem well under control. That's why last Wednesday as I watched the 10 o'clock news, I saw a story about west side residents in the Austin neighborhood who were so fed up with their pothole problem, that they began filling up the potholes themselves. Amazingly, even though these gentlemen weren't city trained experts, it only took the two of them a few minutes to fix each pothole. No reports on what they stenciled on the their potholes, but if it were me, a big middle finger would have been my choice.

Hit & Get: Is this what they meant by "change?"

In an effort to make everyone's parking lives even more miserable, if that's possible, the city in it's infinite lack of wisdom raised the price for parking meters to 25 cents per 15 minutes, and in some areas 25 cents will only net you a whopping 7 minutes. So instead of getting your standard 2 hour parking for 50 cents (in most areas), that will now cost you around $4, or 16 quarters to be precise. That seems convenient, huh? Yeah, for those of you who walk around with a change dispenser attached to your belt like the old ice cream man used to have.

Not surprisgly, there have been slight problems that have arisen from the city's latest efforts to legalize highway robbery. For instance, now the meters are filling up at a much faster rate than before, and when they are completely full, they cease to work. Who could've seen that coming? Did no one anticipate this being a problem when brainstorming this little horse apple of an idea? Not one person realized that 16>2, and there might be complications? What's next? You park your car in a metered spot, then a couple of city officials grab you by the ankles, turn you upside down and shake all the money out of your pockets? Oh silly me, that only happens when you have to pay your property taxes! My bad.

The Golden Rule

Hello my fellow Chicagoans and welcome to another edition of "my psychosis and me"--hey, it's cheaper than therapy and I don't need a prescription for it. My quest is simple. I'm simply out to prove that Chicago, while a very fun and exciting place, is not the greatest city to live in. And in my never ending mission to prove this hypothesis, I came up with another reason why Chicago is an overrated place to live-- the impolite douche bags who reside here.

We have all heard the term "The Golden Rule" from our parents, grandparents, teachers, and clergy, "Treat others how you'd like to be treated," right? Well if that's a true statement, then we have a lot of masochists living amongst us these days. Being in sales, I subscribe wholeheartedly to a principle that's known as the "80/20 Rule." The principle simply states that 80% of your total sales is generated by the top 20% of your clients. Therefore, I have deduced that 80% of Chicago's rudeness is produced by the top 20% of its douche bags. What qualifies someone as a douche bag in my eyes? I thought you'd never ask! Here are some of my personal favorites.

Let's start with the obvious ones. How about people who blatantly litter? My wife and I live on the north side and every morning while walking our dog we are treated to trash covered sidewalks on our busy street. And I'm not talking about cigarette butts, or gum wrappers either. I'm talking about half eaten chili dogs and chicken legs, half full Big Gulp cups, broken beer bottles, unbroken Wild Irish Rose bottles, and my personal favorite--a half devoured order of chicken fried rice complete with fork and white container. The city goes out of its way to provide garbage cans and dumpsters (I criticize, but I also give credit when it's due) on many street corners--USE THEM! Is it really that hard to carry your finished chicken leg to a receptacle on the next block people?

How about people who constantly honk their horns? This is not aimed at people who use the horn properly. This is clearly aimed at the jackasses who lay on their horns for longer than 5 seconds. We get it, you're angry that the car in front of you didn't realize that the light turned green fast enough for your liking, but after 5 seconds--let it go, man. The car horn is a communication device installed on your car to warn others of your presence, or to give a "heads-up" to a fellow driver. It is NOT installed so that you can enter into car honking "pissing contests" with the guy in front of you! The commute is long enough, please stop making it anymore annoying than it has to be.

While we are on the topic of vehicular rudeness, can we discuss the "non-waving" community of drivers out there? Hey douche bag, I made an effort to make your commute easier and slightly less annoying--how about a courtesy wave, huh? I don't need a smile or an inaudible mimed thank you with a raised open palm (the highest form of automobile courtesy in my opinion), I just want the slightest bit of common courtesy! I realize that you are in a mad rush to order your grande, non-fat, no whip, mocha served at 120 degrees, and that your time is way more valuable than mine, but everyone has time to hold up their non-driving hand for 1.5 seconds to recognize a small kindness. I know from daily experience that if I start my day off with a friendly waver, I am definitely more likely to continue helping out my fellow Chicagoan the rest of the day. Conversely, if I start my day off with a non-waver, you'd better have either a 20 spot, or a piece of Malnati's pizza (equivalents in my world) for me, or you're not getting in.

I could go on for days on this topic, but mercifully I will finish with one of my least favorite people in the city--the "I'm going to walk as slow as humanly possible through this crosswalk just so you can't turn your vehicle in time to catch that light" people. What exactly is the purpose of this exercise (pun intended) anyway? I swear it's on purpose. Hell, I know it's on purpose (more on that very soon). A lot of you already have running shoes on, so why not pick up the pace to say the pace of a sloth with a bad ankle?

Not to fear my dear reader, I have cracked the case on this one--today as a matter of fact. I found myself walking slower and slower through downtown crosswalks when cars wanted to turn. Why you ask? To get even with people that do the exact same thing to me every day--how sick and twisted is that? Which is precisely why I'm going to stop doing it immediately and stop perpetuating this idiotic behavior. You see my friends (cue "America The Beautiful" by Ray Charles), I truly believe that being less and less of a douche bag myself can make a difference in this city. And since I'm stuck with my condo for the foreseeable future, I want to do my small part in helping this once great city of ours in it's desperate time of need--so I can sell it for all it's worth and make a fast getaway to the 'burbs!

The Maiden Voyage P.S.

P.S. I just wanted to give the Chicago weathermen a great big "thank you" for illustrating my first blog so beautifully! Yesterday's forecast: high 30's-low 40's with snow showers. Today's real weather: mid 40's and partly sunny. I'm sure that the Chicago White Sox brass are so thankful that they listened to your "forecasts" last night and prematurely cancelled opening day. I knew I should have went all "Johnny Lawrence" of The Cobra Kai on Tom Skilling when I had the chance! Until we meet again, Skilling.

The Maiden Voyage

Greetings my fellow Chicagoans, and welcome to my first blog. This blog is dedicated to my beautiful, and saintly wife who suggested that I take "my anger and rage to the web, where it truly belongs." Truthfully, I think that she just wanted me to shut my pie hole for 10 minutes so she could read her US Weekly in peace.



So why am I so angry? Actually, none of my friends would probably refer to me as "angry," except for my best friend, and he doesn't know shit anyway. Just kidding K-Dawg. Actually, I'm quite jolly--synonymous for being a "happy fat guy." So how, you may ask, can you be so angry when you live in "one of the greatest cities in the world?" Well, since you posed the question, allow me to answer.



Chicago is a fantastic city--if you are just visiting, that is. Living in this city, however, is quite the contrary. Where 'O where do I begin? Let's begin with a small issue that plagues my life daily--Chicago weather. It sucks, period. You can argue all you want with me on this point, but it just plain sucks. It is either cold, or it's hot. It's winter and then one day it's summer. We have flash floods, high winds, rain, hail, sleet, and snow, and that was just last Saturday afternoon! Now, I know what you're thinking--"Stop bitching, this is the Midwest. Just move." Totally solid point. However, our condo is less than 2 years old, the economy is, well the economy, and the housing market is in the tank. I'd rather bitch than "take it in the moon" on our place.

So why is it so frickin' expensive to live here? I mean it's not like we live in California or Arizona and can actually enjoy the outdoors! There is the lake that we get to enjoy for maybe 6 or 7 weekends a year tops because of poor weather conditions, or closed beaches due to bacteria the other 45 weekends. You clearly have to hold your breath when you dare plan an outdoor activity in Chicago, don't you? Anyone planning on going to The Cell for the White Sox opener tomorrow? Enough said. How many times have you thought to yourself fellow Chicagoan, "Gee, I'd love to do this or do that, but it's just too damn hot, or too damn cold outside?" We pay through the nose for taxes, gas, parking (I'll save that rant for the near future), cigarettes, alcohol--you name it, we overpay for it. And why? Because we live in Chicago--"one of the greatest cities in the world."

And while I'm ranting, can I address another weather related topic? Thank you. I have a big problem with weathermen/weatherwomen, hell anyone who "forecasts" the weather for a living. I guess that I should clarify myself before Jerry Taft, or Amy Freeze file restraining orders against me. I have a problem with the ambiguity of weather forecasts. It's partly this, there's a chance of that--just say it--you haven't a clue! Quick story. Last weekend, my wife (who will remain nameless as to not embarrass her) Allison and I went to breakfast at Over Easy on Damen in that lovely Sunday slushy mess, and who should walk in the restaurant behind us? None other than Tom Skilling. Since I am a mature adult, I refrained from pushing his face into his plate of red potato hash browns. Actually, I'm lying about the maturity thing. My wife threatened to divorce me if I even made eye contact with him, so I let him be.

In reality, I only have one non-violent question for Tom, or Jerry, or Amy; why, with all of that fancy, expensive equipment and radar can't you be more accurate with your weather predictions? Truth be told, I know the answer is because it is impossible to predict what old fickle Mother Nature has in store for us day by day. Fair enough, then why for all that is sacred and holy in this world do they give us a 5 day forecast? Shouldn't they give us a 5 hour forecast instead? I would love it if when I turned on the 10 o'clock news one night and one of them said--"Boy, I was really off on that one, sorry about that!" But no, it's blamed on the industry standard "lake effect," or my personal favorite when it rains unexpectedly, "Well, we needed the rain!" (insert smiling weatherman here) Do you need rain? I certainly don't. Farmers need rain. Seen any farms on the north side of the city lately? I didn't think so.

I think that's enough ranting for one day. My wife is done reading her Us Weekly and we are planning to go outside and....well, stay inside and watch TV. God, I love this city!