I'm Lovin' It

I've tried to turn over a new leaf in 2010 and quell my anger.  Unfortunately, when I glanced at the other side of said leaf there were many more things that aggravated me (Shocker).  For instance, for the first time in my life I am very angry with fast food giant and former contributer to my waistline--Mc Donald's.  And no, it's not over the recent bastardizing of my beloved Big Mac into a fast food freak called The Big Mac Wrap. BTW, I really can't believe that the McDonald's think tank thought this idea was a winner.  I can only figure that they are hoping to convince the painfully stupid out there that wrapping a warm tortilla around fattening food is a healthier choice.  (Now that's the type of world I want to be part of!  Oh, it's 3,000 calories? Well, just wrap a warm tortilla around it--hey, I'm counting my calories.)

I digress.  Anyone else see this article?   Apparently, the big wigs over at the McDonald's compound in Oak Brook has their Happy Meals is a twist over naming rights to a charity event in the city. According to The Chicago Sun-Times, "Chicago teen Lauren McClusky has coordinated McFest, an annual charity concert featuring high school and college bands to benefit the Chicago chapter of Special Olympics," which has raised $30,000 since its inception in 2007. Really McDonald's? Are you actually this petty?  Is this a battle that you want to fight? After all, McDonald's never sued Cleo McDowell over his blatant McDonald's rip-off, McDowell's, in Coming to America!  If McDowell's did actually exist, don't you think they'd be behind McClusky's concert 100%? Imagine the musical acts that they could book. 

OK, but seriously folks, you guys pulled in 30K at the Rock 'N Roll McDonald's this afternoon.  Why not join forces with McClusky?  Create some good will and some warm fuzzies?  Co-host the event with her, get some free publicity in return, and call it a freakin' day already.  This is definitely not a smart battle to fight!  Then again, these are the same geniuses that wrapped a warm tortilla around a Big Mac. Very scary.

Idiot Drivers, Stupid Parents, and The Airport

Wow, it's been a long time campers--too long.  You had to know that my "crotchiness" would get the better of me and that I would resurface eventually to blow off some proverbial steam.  And, you were right.

Idiot Drivers
George Carlin said it best during one of his shows--"Why is it that everyone who drives faster than us is a maniac and everyone who drives slower than us is an idiot?" Right.  This never holds more true than when it rains, or when it snows in this city.  Think about it.  The people that are causing all of the problems on the roadways during these times are people either driving way too fast, or way too slow.  I could maybe overlook this phenomenon if say--we lived in the Carribean and it suddenly started to snow, but for fuck sake--this is the midwest-- it snows here in June!  And some people are mesmerized by the falling snow as if it were Blow Pops falling from the sky and not the frozen white flakes that we see here every winter...fall...and spring.  It's simple peeps; drive the speed limit and don't be a jackass and we'll all get home in a timely manner.  Whew, that really felt good!

Stupid Parents
I don't have kids, but one day I will.  This would logically mean that I have not raised a child yet, so I'm not professing that I'm an expert on the subject.  But, I do know how to say words like no, stop that, and sit down though.  Short story.  I'm standing in line waiting for my order at Costello's (fantastic place, BTW) in Lincoln Square last week and there are two kids running around the place like Rosie O'Donnell at a Cinnabon.  They were running into people, into walls, and into chairs.Where are the two parents you might ask?  Feeding their faces without a care in the world--paying no attention to them what so ever.  Here's a suggestion--put down the turkey club and try parenting for a few minutes.  Or how about saying the word no, that may work also.  I'm sure that the little buggers know that word--it's usually the first fucking word that they learn, isn't it?  Look, you don't have to yell and scream.  You don't have to smack them.  But, you do have to do something that resembles parenting for god sake!

The Airport
Why in the hell is everything at O'Hare so expensive?  Are the airport's bean counters afraid your plane is going to crash and this might be the last time to screw you out of more money? A pack of gum $3?  Bottled water $4?  A $1 double cheesburger (at any Chicagoland McDonald's) at the O'Hare McDonald's--$1.49?  And the airlines are even worse!  I could just see the round table discussions at their board meetings and their thought processes.  Our numbers are down and we want to woo our customers back...so how do we do it? OK, here is our Action Plan:

1.) More delays so more people miss their connecting flights.
2.) Charge $35 a bag and if they go over the 50lbs. mark, charge them an extra $50.
3.) Charge passengers $5 for headphones, $4 for a 1/4 can of Pringles, and $8 for a stale turkey sandwich but our overly iced drinks will remain FREE.  Oh yeah, discourage the passengers from paying with cash and insist on credit cards just for shits and giggles.
4.) And finally, for flights that are over 6 hours let's make sure that we show two of the worst movies made that year to ensure a more miserable flight for our customers.

Thank you for flying U.S. Airways, have a wonderful day....

Which, by the way, I will never do again campers.  Until we meet again.

The Crossroads of a Blog

So I'm at a bachelor party last Saturday afternoon discussing the state of my current blog with a fellow blogger, we'll call him Boomer, whom I respect a great deal. And somehow (maybe the 19 beers had something to with it) we came to the conclusion that Sux in the City is at a major crossroads. I love writing it each week, but it is increasingly starting to bum me out having to find things in this city to bitch about. This conversation then morphed into us quoting movies and discussing various theories that we had about our favorite flicks (the 19 beers definitely had something to with it).




Then suddenly the idea hits Boomer, "See, this is the type of blog you should be writing. People would love it!" And then it hit me, also. Yes, he's exactly right. So two hours later I jumped into a cab and went home...and then passed out on my couch. But when I awoke an hour and a half later, I conveyed this idea to Mrs. Sux in the City in a jumbled pile of slurred words and, surprisingly, she was behind it, although, she would still like me to churn out an occasional rant on Sux in the City. I made no promises, but I'm sure that I will find something to bitch and moan about pertaining to this city once in awhile. A hearty thanks to my faithful readers for staying with me as long as you did and please, please follow me to my new blog--you might like it:  My new blog

Hit & Get: Blame It On Rio

During my 8 year college pilgrimage, I learned a couple of valuable lessons. One, hang out with Jim, Jack, or Jose on separate nights but never introduce them to each other. The other being that if it weren't for multiple choice tests, I might still be searching for a major. So, in light of today's bad news from the IOC, I'd like to pose you, my dear readers, the easiest multiple choice test ever given.

1.) Choose the city that seems oddly out of place:
A.) Madrid, Spain
B.) Rio de Janeiro
C.) Tokyo, Japan
D.) Chicago, IL

I'm not saying, I'm just saying.

The Summer D.B. Awards

Apparently summer is officially over, which I deduced from being able to cut bullet proof glass with my T.H.O.'s this morning. So with that in mind, I wanted to send out a hearty congratulations to this year's nominees for The Summer Douche Bag Awards.

The People Who Don't Say "Excuse Me" After Cutting Me Off With Their Shopping Cart
OK, I can tolerate those people at Jewel or Dominick's who inexplicably stand in the middle of the bread aisle contemplating the ever exasperating question of--Wonder Bread, or Butternut? I can also stomach the 10 deep line of 90-somethings who write a check for three bananas and a can of tuna. But what I just can't handle are those rude S.O.B.'s constantly cutting me off, running into me, or walking right in front of my shopping cart and not even offering a fake "oh, excuse me" or "I'm sorry." One of these days, I would love to beat them with the blunt end of a Swifter Wet-Jet!

The 6 Dumb Asses Arrested For Protesting The 2016 Olympics: http://www.chicagobreakingnews.com/2009/10/6-charged-in-burning-of-olympic-banner.html
Listen, I'm an angry, insignificant jack-ass, too. Start up a blog and complain until your heart is content like every other angry, insignificant jack-ass! It's a hell of a lot cheaper than bail, and your corn hole will remain intact. BTW, I love the fact that two of these geniuses are from the 'burbs and two are not even from Illinois--how would the inconvenience of the Olympics affect them in any way?

People Who Try To Enter The El While You Are Trying To Exit The El
This is a pretty simple concept to grasp peeps. It's the same principle that governs the exiting and entering of an elevator. As the elevator doors open, people exit the elevator and after everyone is out of the elevator then people are free to enter. So, the next time I am exiting the Brown line and you ignorantly try to push your way past me and I steam roll you out of the way causing you to miss your train, you'll have nobody to blame except for your dumb ass.


People Who Use The Word "Holla!" And Are Serious About It
I'm hip--I own three pairs of Pumas and a skinny tie, after all. OK, truth be told, I'm pretty lame--I wouldn't know Taylor Swift from Taylor Dayne. See, that's even a lame example. But there's something about hearing a college educated person, hell, even a high school educated person say "Holla!" that makes me cringe like I'm watching, well, any episode of SNL from the last five years.

Jaywalkers
As if I didn't have enough obstacles to maneuver around when I'm driving in the city, now I have to anticipate a person's/moron's ability to distinguish between a white stick figure walking and a giant orange hand indicating that pedestrians should stop walking? I say everyone hit the gas and chalk it up as population control.

Jailhouse Shock

In the city's latest attempt to increase my blood pressure, Governor Pat Quinn has decided to close the gap on the state's budget crisis by giving early release to 1,000 non-violent prison inmates this fall:
http://cbs2chicago.com/local/Quinn.prisoners.release.2.1194057.html

Yes, you have read correctly.


OK, I have decided to take a different approach in response to this abomination of an idea. Let me put on my rose colored glasses for a moment and walk my way through this ingenious idea. In order to save the state $5 million bucks, Governor Quinn is releasing 1,000 non-violent prisoners who are serving time for drug dealing, robbery, fraud, prostitution, embezzlement, and sexual harassment, etc. And let's say, for the sake of making the absurd seem ludicrous, that 50% of these "pillars of society" never commit another crime, while the other 50% do. We will have really dodged a bullet there. That means that we'll only have 500 new criminals selling drugs, robbing, and stealing from us, instead of 1,000 new criminals selling drugs, robbing, and stealing from us.

Turn that frown upside down campers! According to the aforementioned cbs2chicago.com article, "Those (non-viloent and thus saintly inmates) sent home early will be assigned a parole agent and required to wear an electronic monitoring ankle bracelet upon their early release." Whew! That made me feel better for roughly 7 seconds until I read that, "The state has 400 parole agents, who are responsible for overseeing more than 30,000 adult and juvenile parolees." So, by my grade school calculations, each parole agent is in charge of approximately 75 parolees. How's that for some quality one on one attention? If that doesn't make you feel safe at night, this won't either. Each parolee is only required to meet with their parole officer once a month.

Ok, I have torn off my rose colored shades and stomped them into tiny pieces.


The Governor will save the state $5 million bucks, yes, but what is he going to cost us in the long run? What will it cost the state to re-arrest those 500 (if we're lucky) convicted criminals again, prosecute them again, and jail them again? How much will it cost you, me, or the guy across the street when our homes or vehicles are broken into, or our identities are stolen? What will it cost the parents of a kid who is sold drugs by one of these "non-violent" criminals?

On the laundry list of "Things Chicago Doesn't Need," wouldn't 1,000 criminals being released prematurely have to be in the team photo, along with more traffic jams, more needless taxes, and colder winters? In fact, isn't the introduction of more criminals the very last thing that our city needs more of? Besides, of course, more politicians, or their disgraceful ploys at cutting into a budget deficit that they themselves have created in first place.

Come On Baby, Light My Ire

As I strolled around Soldier Field Sunday night before the U2 concert, which was an unbelievable show by the way, I couldn't help but take notice of the cast of characters that always seem to accompany such events. Yes, I have noticed them throughout the years, and I have politely tried to ignore them, but I can no longer do so. So, here is my homage to those special individuals who have touched our concert lives "lo, these many years."

The Dorky Dad Trying to "Be Cool" Around His 12 Year-Old Kid
He means well--he really does. He sprung for the tickets, he knows all of the songs by heart, which he sings aloud with his head back and eyes closed. He has the new concert t-shirt on with beer in hand. Then ruins his kid's time with constant high-fives & hugs, all while sporting a jean shorts/Crocs with socks combo. You could see the kid's horror painted all over his face as he thought to himself, "Do I really want to like a band that my father likes?"

The Over-Served Guy
U2 tickets? Check! Perfect weather for a concert? Check! Fantastic venue for a great band? Check! Consume 17 beers an hour before the concert begins? Check! Stumble through the crowd, vomit on innocent concert goers, then pass out in a bathroom stall and miss the entire concert? Check, check, check, and check!

The Over-Dressed Girl

Maybe it's because everyone knows she's from Schaumburg. Or, maybe it's because she thinks Bono will pick her out of the 70,000 peeps in the stadium and serenade her. Hell, maybe it's because daddy didn't hug her enough growing up. Whatever her reasons for wearing sequins tube tops, scuba gear bottoms masquerading as jeans, and 6 inch heels just to stand in the dark on a concrete floor for 4 1/2 hours, is just plain Audrina Patridge-like stupidity.

The Shirtless Guy

Nothing says, "Dude, I love this song" quite like taking your shirt off while 69,999 other people manage to A.) Keep a straight face and B.) Enjoy the concert without disrobing. This guy is usually one Miller-Lite away from being the Over-Served Guy, and must utter the phrase "We're going to rock out with our cocks out tonight!" to his friends (and soon to be ex-girlfriend--very soon).

The Asshole Pushing His Way Through The Crowd

As many of you may, or may not be aware, I'm nothing if not a peaceful man. I haven't gotten into an actual fight since I was in 3rd grade in which I pummeled a 5th grader named Patrick--true story. (This immediately gave me the street cred that I had always pined for growing up). Many of our city's douche bag population should thank their lucky Ed Hardy t-shirts that I am still a practicing pacifist. No other Chicagoan benefits more from my peaceful nature than this asshole. No "excuse me," no "please," no "thank you," he just pushes his way through the crowd/bar/street festival with reckless abandon. I wonder, do these people ever stop to bask in the width and depth of their own douche bagginess? Maybe that is a better question to pose to Kanye West. Although, that might impeed on their spilling beer on the crowd time, or trying to upstage a far more classier human being time--so that's probably a no. Rock on, man.