Come On Baby, Light My Ire

As I strolled around Soldier Field Sunday night before the U2 concert, which was an unbelievable show by the way, I couldn't help but take notice of the cast of characters that always seem to accompany such events. Yes, I have noticed them throughout the years, and I have politely tried to ignore them, but I can no longer do so. So, here is my homage to those special individuals who have touched our concert lives "lo, these many years."

The Dorky Dad Trying to "Be Cool" Around His 12 Year-Old Kid
He means well--he really does. He sprung for the tickets, he knows all of the songs by heart, which he sings aloud with his head back and eyes closed. He has the new concert t-shirt on with beer in hand. Then ruins his kid's time with constant high-fives & hugs, all while sporting a jean shorts/Crocs with socks combo. You could see the kid's horror painted all over his face as he thought to himself, "Do I really want to like a band that my father likes?"

The Over-Served Guy
U2 tickets? Check! Perfect weather for a concert? Check! Fantastic venue for a great band? Check! Consume 17 beers an hour before the concert begins? Check! Stumble through the crowd, vomit on innocent concert goers, then pass out in a bathroom stall and miss the entire concert? Check, check, check, and check!

The Over-Dressed Girl

Maybe it's because everyone knows she's from Schaumburg. Or, maybe it's because she thinks Bono will pick her out of the 70,000 peeps in the stadium and serenade her. Hell, maybe it's because daddy didn't hug her enough growing up. Whatever her reasons for wearing sequins tube tops, scuba gear bottoms masquerading as jeans, and 6 inch heels just to stand in the dark on a concrete floor for 4 1/2 hours, is just plain Audrina Patridge-like stupidity.

The Shirtless Guy

Nothing says, "Dude, I love this song" quite like taking your shirt off while 69,999 other people manage to A.) Keep a straight face and B.) Enjoy the concert without disrobing. This guy is usually one Miller-Lite away from being the Over-Served Guy, and must utter the phrase "We're going to rock out with our cocks out tonight!" to his friends (and soon to be ex-girlfriend--very soon).

The Asshole Pushing His Way Through The Crowd

As many of you may, or may not be aware, I'm nothing if not a peaceful man. I haven't gotten into an actual fight since I was in 3rd grade in which I pummeled a 5th grader named Patrick--true story. (This immediately gave me the street cred that I had always pined for growing up). Many of our city's douche bag population should thank their lucky Ed Hardy t-shirts that I am still a practicing pacifist. No other Chicagoan benefits more from my peaceful nature than this asshole. No "excuse me," no "please," no "thank you," he just pushes his way through the crowd/bar/street festival with reckless abandon. I wonder, do these people ever stop to bask in the width and depth of their own douche bagginess? Maybe that is a better question to pose to Kanye West. Although, that might impeed on their spilling beer on the crowd time, or trying to upstage a far more classier human being time--so that's probably a no. Rock on, man.