Jailhouse Shock

In the city's latest attempt to increase my blood pressure, Governor Pat Quinn has decided to close the gap on the state's budget crisis by giving early release to 1,000 non-violent prison inmates this fall:
http://cbs2chicago.com/local/Quinn.prisoners.release.2.1194057.html

Yes, you have read correctly.


OK, I have decided to take a different approach in response to this abomination of an idea. Let me put on my rose colored glasses for a moment and walk my way through this ingenious idea. In order to save the state $5 million bucks, Governor Quinn is releasing 1,000 non-violent prisoners who are serving time for drug dealing, robbery, fraud, prostitution, embezzlement, and sexual harassment, etc. And let's say, for the sake of making the absurd seem ludicrous, that 50% of these "pillars of society" never commit another crime, while the other 50% do. We will have really dodged a bullet there. That means that we'll only have 500 new criminals selling drugs, robbing, and stealing from us, instead of 1,000 new criminals selling drugs, robbing, and stealing from us.

Turn that frown upside down campers! According to the aforementioned cbs2chicago.com article, "Those (non-viloent and thus saintly inmates) sent home early will be assigned a parole agent and required to wear an electronic monitoring ankle bracelet upon their early release." Whew! That made me feel better for roughly 7 seconds until I read that, "The state has 400 parole agents, who are responsible for overseeing more than 30,000 adult and juvenile parolees." So, by my grade school calculations, each parole agent is in charge of approximately 75 parolees. How's that for some quality one on one attention? If that doesn't make you feel safe at night, this won't either. Each parolee is only required to meet with their parole officer once a month.

Ok, I have torn off my rose colored shades and stomped them into tiny pieces.


The Governor will save the state $5 million bucks, yes, but what is he going to cost us in the long run? What will it cost the state to re-arrest those 500 (if we're lucky) convicted criminals again, prosecute them again, and jail them again? How much will it cost you, me, or the guy across the street when our homes or vehicles are broken into, or our identities are stolen? What will it cost the parents of a kid who is sold drugs by one of these "non-violent" criminals?

On the laundry list of "Things Chicago Doesn't Need," wouldn't 1,000 criminals being released prematurely have to be in the team photo, along with more traffic jams, more needless taxes, and colder winters? In fact, isn't the introduction of more criminals the very last thing that our city needs more of? Besides, of course, more politicians, or their disgraceful ploys at cutting into a budget deficit that they themselves have created in first place.

Come On Baby, Light My Ire

As I strolled around Soldier Field Sunday night before the U2 concert, which was an unbelievable show by the way, I couldn't help but take notice of the cast of characters that always seem to accompany such events. Yes, I have noticed them throughout the years, and I have politely tried to ignore them, but I can no longer do so. So, here is my homage to those special individuals who have touched our concert lives "lo, these many years."

The Dorky Dad Trying to "Be Cool" Around His 12 Year-Old Kid
He means well--he really does. He sprung for the tickets, he knows all of the songs by heart, which he sings aloud with his head back and eyes closed. He has the new concert t-shirt on with beer in hand. Then ruins his kid's time with constant high-fives & hugs, all while sporting a jean shorts/Crocs with socks combo. You could see the kid's horror painted all over his face as he thought to himself, "Do I really want to like a band that my father likes?"

The Over-Served Guy
U2 tickets? Check! Perfect weather for a concert? Check! Fantastic venue for a great band? Check! Consume 17 beers an hour before the concert begins? Check! Stumble through the crowd, vomit on innocent concert goers, then pass out in a bathroom stall and miss the entire concert? Check, check, check, and check!

The Over-Dressed Girl

Maybe it's because everyone knows she's from Schaumburg. Or, maybe it's because she thinks Bono will pick her out of the 70,000 peeps in the stadium and serenade her. Hell, maybe it's because daddy didn't hug her enough growing up. Whatever her reasons for wearing sequins tube tops, scuba gear bottoms masquerading as jeans, and 6 inch heels just to stand in the dark on a concrete floor for 4 1/2 hours, is just plain Audrina Patridge-like stupidity.

The Shirtless Guy

Nothing says, "Dude, I love this song" quite like taking your shirt off while 69,999 other people manage to A.) Keep a straight face and B.) Enjoy the concert without disrobing. This guy is usually one Miller-Lite away from being the Over-Served Guy, and must utter the phrase "We're going to rock out with our cocks out tonight!" to his friends (and soon to be ex-girlfriend--very soon).

The Asshole Pushing His Way Through The Crowd

As many of you may, or may not be aware, I'm nothing if not a peaceful man. I haven't gotten into an actual fight since I was in 3rd grade in which I pummeled a 5th grader named Patrick--true story. (This immediately gave me the street cred that I had always pined for growing up). Many of our city's douche bag population should thank their lucky Ed Hardy t-shirts that I am still a practicing pacifist. No other Chicagoan benefits more from my peaceful nature than this asshole. No "excuse me," no "please," no "thank you," he just pushes his way through the crowd/bar/street festival with reckless abandon. I wonder, do these people ever stop to bask in the width and depth of their own douche bagginess? Maybe that is a better question to pose to Kanye West. Although, that might impeed on their spilling beer on the crowd time, or trying to upstage a far more classier human being time--so that's probably a no. Rock on, man.

Candy Is Dandy But Liquor Is Quicker

Anyone hear about Chicago's new candy and liquor tax? Better yet, has anyone tried to decipher Chicago's new candy and liquor tax? http://www.nbcchicago.com/news/local-beat/Chicago-Braces-For-Candy-and-alcohol-tax-hike56339472.html I swear, it would be easier to understand James Brown explain the plot of 12 Monkeys while chewing Laffy Taffy, than it would be to get a clear understanding of this new tax. Maybe that's the point campers, maybe that's the point.

What's the justification for this new tax you ask? According to NBC.com, "The money is to help pay for a $31 billion statewide construction plan, including repairs to roads, schools, and bridges. " Huh. So what are the Illinois tolls and toll roads for? And, exactly where does all of that money go? (I sense a 1991 pop culture reference coming...things that make you go mmmmmmm. Sorry, I couldn't resist. Yes, I even "tight rolled" my jeans in preparation for that reference.) I love it, the city has the money to put on Oprahpalooza and the 2016 Olympics, but cries poor for anything else needed for the city.

So, is it any coincidence that this new tax hike went into effect before the biggest candy buying time of the year, like Halloween, took place? Will it also be a coincidence when the fine bars and restaurants of "the greatest city in the world" passes on the cost of this wonderful new tax onto its loyal patrons? Well, if my eight years of higher education taught me anything (emphasis on higher), it taught me that there are no coincidences in this world. Especially, when it involves the city of Chicago.

The movie Animal House has taught me many life lessons throughout the years, such as "Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life." That being said (or written) we are in a recession, aren't we people? Fat, drunk, and stupid is all that I have left. Why can't they just let me at least enjoy that in peace?